What is a High-Conflict Divorce?
A high-conflict divorce is one where one spouse does not want the marriage to end and will do whatever they can to cause problems. This can make the divorce process long, expensive, and emotionally draining.
In the United States, 20% of all separations are high-conflict. [1] A high-conflict divorce may involve a lot of arguments, court visits, and sometimes domestic violence.
If your divorce is becoming high-conflict, prepare yourself and take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your children.
Difficult Personalities in Divorce
Conflict is often caused by partners who have what some might call difficult personalities. These people blame others for everything, see things in black and white, struggle to control emotions or take extreme actions.
This behavior makes it harder for everyone to agree on big things like who gets the kids, how the money and property are split, and whether one person should pay the other money after the divorce.
For those who find themselves in a high-conflict divorce, it is really helpful to work with mediators or lawyers who have experience in these situations. It can make a huge difference when you are supported through the tough times.
Strategies to Minimize the Stress of A High-Conflict Divorce
Handling a divorce where conflict runs high can really weigh you down, both emotionally and financially. There are ways to cope, though. Here are some ideas that might help:
- Talk to a Therapist: Find a counselor or therapist who knows how to help people going through tough divorces, especially if kids are involved. Having a therapist means you get time just for you to think about your own needs and focus on staying healthy. Plus, talking to someone regularly can prevent you from taking out your feelings on others, like your kids.
- Keep Moving: Try going for a walk or a run. It’s a good way to stop thinking about all the legal stuff for a bit. While you’re out, focus on your breath, the weather, or what you’ll eat later. If you like walking around where you live, notice things around you that might take your mind off things for a while.
- Lean on Friends and Family: Don’t try to handle everything by yourself. Reach out to your friends and family and spend some time with them. If you usually keep your feelings to yourself, it’s easy to feel like you’re all alone. But don’t shut out the people who care about you—they’re there to support you.
- Start a New Hobby: Pick up something new to do that doesn’t remind you of your ex. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just something you can enjoy on your own.
- Practical Tips: Besides taking care of your mental health, there are other steps you should take to protect yourself legally in a messy divorce.
Legal Considerations in A High-Conflict Divorce
When you are dealing with a divorce that is full of conflict, there are a few other things you should do to keep yourself safe.
It is really important to hire a lawyer who knows how to handle divorces with a lot of tension. You need someone who has dealt with these kinds of situations before and can help make things go as quickly as possible.
They will:
- Stand Up for Yourself: Make sure your rights are taken care of during the whole process.
- Explain Things Clearly: Help you understand the tough legal stuff so you always know what is going on.
- Help Solve Problems: Work to get things settled fast to save you money and stress. Just like with any relationship, it is key that you can talk easily with the lawyer you pick.
Communicate Well With Both Your Spouse and Lawyer
There are things to do during this chaotic time that will reduce stress a little. Practicing good communication with your soon-to-be former spouse and your divorce lawyer can help you get your needs met with the least amount of conflict possible.
Talking to Your Spouse
- Stick to Specifics: Instead of blaming each other with things like “you did this” or “he did that,” try to talk about specific subjects that need to be discussed. Discuss the topics that matter going forward, such as the desired custody schedule or who will keep the family pet.
- Stay Calm: Emotions run high when going through a tough divorce, but staying calm when talking is really helpful. Starting off angry might make things worse, even though feeling angry is normal. Staying cool helps keep the conversation on track and useful.
Talking to Your Lawyer
- Be Clear and Factual: Give your lawyer all the details and facts. This will help your lawyer understand what is happening and give better advice.
- Get Help When Needed: If talking to your spouse is just making things worse, let your lawyer step in. They can handle the tough talks and reach out regarding anything worrying you.
- Ask Questions: If you see something like your spouse spending a lot of money after the divorce starts, ask your lawyer to check it out. Instead of accusing, let your lawyer gather the facts.
Think About Mediation
Another way to try to work things out and, maybe, solve problems is to consider mediation. Mediation is where you and your spouse can meet in a setting that focuses on finding solutions, with the goal of reaching an agreement that works for both of you.
This method tries to settle the case by agreement, so you do not have to keep fighting in court, spending more money, and facing the risks that come with a long legal battle.
Mediation might help even in tough divorces, but its success depends on a few things:
- Check Willingness to Cooperate: Both of you have to really want to settle things. In cases where conflict is high, one person might be too unyielding for mediation to work.
- Look for Power Differences: If there is a big difference in power between you and your spouse, mediation might be unsafe or unfair. If one person is very controlling or abusive, this approach might not be the right fit.
- Pick a Good Mediator: A mediator with lots of experience can help manage feelings, make sure everyone communicates, and keep the talk on track. They can also see when mediation is not working and suggest other ways to move forward.
- Consider Legal Help: Sometimes, both sides agree to have their lawyers present during mediation. This can help make sure that you do not agree to something worse than what you might get in court. Talk to your lawyer about this when picking someone to help you with the divorce.
- Safety First: If there is a history of domestic violence or very serious emotional abuse, keeping safe is more important than mediation. Share your worries with your lawyer to figure out the best way to handle things.
Getting Ready for Court
When mediation does not work, you might have to go to court to settle things. There are different ways the court process can go. One option is to have a “pretrial conference” where your lawyer talks about your side of the issues, and then the judge listens to what the other lawyer says.
After that, the judge gives a recommendation on the issue (or issues). Then, the lawyers share the judge’s recommendations with their clients to see if they can agree on how to solve the problem.
If no agreement is reached, the lawyers and their clients need to get ready for a trial – the big showdown. Going to trial is expensive and takes a lot of effort, and it often leads to a worse result than if everyone could have come to an agreement.
But sometimes, when one or both sides just cannot agree, a trial is the only way to bring the case to a close.
Things to Think About After Divorce
When the divorce is all done, you might feel sad or like you lost something. Here are some ways to keep going:
- Stick to What the Court Said: Make sure you follow all the rules set by the court, like who gets the kids when, visiting times, and any money you have to pay.
- Lean on Your Support Group: Rely on the people around you, like therapists, counselors, religious leaders, friends, and family. They can help you feel better and guide you as you start this new part of your life.
- Work on Yourself: Do things that make you feel good. Pick up hobbies, stay active, and keep talking to a therapist if you need to work through any tough feelings.
Keeping Kids Safe and Happy
Divorces with lots of fighting can be really tough on kids. Here are some ways to help them feel okay:
- Keep Things Steady: Try to keep their daily routine the same and make sure they feel safe at home. This can help them feel more secure.
- Get Them Support: Think about getting a counselor for your kids. Talking to a professional can help them understand and deal with their feelings.
- Keep Them Out of the Fight: Do not drag your kids into arguments or say bad things about the other parent when they can hear. Let them know they are loved and remind them that none of this is their fault.
Looking Ahead
Going through a tough divorce is hard. But, by taking care of your body and mind, leaning on your friends and family, and working closely with a good lawyer, you can get through this.
Focus on staying healthy and keeping your kids safe while you work towards finding a solution. Remember, there are people ready to help you every step of the way.
If you are desiring a divorce and anticipate it may be a high-conflict divorce, contact Sacks & Sacks today.
FAQs
Q. What is a high-conflict divorce?
A high-conflict divorce happens when one spouse is not ready to end the marriage and starts doing things that make the divorce hard. This can make the whole process long, pricey, and emotionally difficult.
Q. What are some signs that my divorce might be high-conflict?
Signs that your divorce might be high-conflict include fighting, blaming, intense emotions, and not being able to agree on big things like who takes care of the kids, dividing possessions, child support, and alimony.
Q. What strategies can help minimize the stress of a high-conflict divorce?
To lower stress, talk to a counselor, stay active, lean on friends and family, pick up a new hobby, and take practical steps like getting a good lawyer and considering mediation.
Q. What should I keep in mind when communicating with my spouse during a high-conflict divorce?
Stick to facts, stay calm, and avoid blaming. Focus on getting the needed information without making the situation worse.
Source:
[1] How High-Conflict Divorcing Couples Can Influence Children. (n.d.). Psychology Today. Retrieved August 13, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/202407/how-high-conflict-divorcing-couples-can-influence-children
